Faux Stories From Real Pictures

“Hey, you . . . you, with the camera! What the hell are you looking at? Do I amuse you? Am I funny to you like a clown? Yeah, you probably heard a similar line from that runt of an actor Joe Pesci in that gangster flick. Well, he stole that line and the voice from me, but that’s a story for another day. Right now, I want to get back to YOU!

You just waltzed out here and snapped my picture, like some woodland paparazzi. Do you think I’m a cuddly creature like that flying cartoon squirrel who’s in an inappropriate relationship with a moose? By the way, I pitched the original story about a flying squirrel to the studios, without his big walking hat rack of a companion and they passed, but that’s a story for another day.

You don’t think I can hurt you? Typical human! You think just because I don’t have opposable thumbs I can’t take you on? Listen pal, me and others like me would have wiped the whole lot of you off the face of the earth if you hadn’t come up with door knobs. Well look around! Do you see any doors out here?

The problem with you people is you don’t know who to fear. You’re scared of birds. A tubby British guy even made a movie about them. That original screenplay was about squirrels. Some peon in a suit changed it, but that’s a story for another day.

Right now, you’re in my space. Look deep into my cold unblinking eyes. These are the eyes of someone who knows that if you take one step closer, I’LL KILL YOU!”

That’s the Stuph – the way I see it!

Faux Stories From Real Pictures

“George” (not his real name) was mired in a long spell of bad luck. This was not the future he mapped out for himself. He grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, so everything he did he worked extra hard for. And despite his past, he initially succeeded.

He was an “A” student growing up; valedictorian at the top of his class. He got into a prestigious business school and was fast tracked into the financial world of Wall Street. His future looked extremely bright.

But fate stepped in. He reluctantly became the brains of an elaborate financial accounting scheme that not only bilked money from widows and orphans, but threatened the collapse of the entire banking system. His devious financial mind caused the downturn of the economy and changed his trajectory forever. His conscience got the better of him. He couldn’t handle the pressure. He decided he had to come clean.

Turning state’s evidence meant that most of the powerful people he worked for would spend an eternity behind bars. But there were other, more nefarious business types, who eluded the law and swore they would get their revenge.

As irony would have it, George’s “talent” created an economy on the brink. Every governmental agency was forced to make drastic cutbacks to their budgets and programs. Even the Justice Department suffered. And that’s how George, who could never show his face in public again, became the most reluctant mascot, in a now scaled down witness protection program.

That’s the Stuph – the way I see it.

Faux Stories From Real Pictures

Ludmilla Van Smoot was never an anarchist. On the contrary; she was a Young Republican and one of the Daughters of the American Revolution. She thought Dick Cheney was a left-wing pansy.

Her great-great-grandfather was Chester Van Smoot, who made his fortune mass producing leather subway straps for standing commuters. Her grandfather, Percival Van Smoot, quietly increased the family fortune by slightly altering the leather strap patent and selling a new variety to trendy overseas S&M clubs.

Ludmilla had all the trappings that the only child of Dickie and Muffy Van Smoot could ever hope for. Growing up she had three bedrooms in their spacious Southern mansion, and in each room, a pony. Life was idyllic.

But then it happened. Ludmilla hit puberty. With her growth spurt came the Van Smoot curse that had afflicted the family for generations. No amount of money, doctors, or plastic surgery could eradicate the hereditary strain of chronic acne that encased her face like crimson bubble wrap. As if that weren’t enough the scourge also travelled down her back to form an almost perfect depiction of the Orion Constellation.

She was conscious of her looks, never gathering with friends and staying in low light. It was a lonely existence, until she found Hector. Hector had no political affiliations. In fact he thought all government should be abolished.

Was Ludmilla really in love or was this just a passing fancy? She wasn’t sure. But she’d stay by Hector’s side, at least for now; or until her face cleared.

That’s the Stuph – the way I see it.

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Faux Stories From Real Pictures

It was an infatuation. He loved her from afar. He did everything he could to garner her attention. But she paid him no mind.

Still, that didn’t stop her from teasing him. She lay there, alluring and naked, but oblivious to his advances.

He didn’t want to give up. He thought they were birds of a feather. Mesmerized by her beauty, he never even noticed she had no feathers.

He tried to get on her good side with gifts. He brought her food. He rose at the crack of dawn to get her an early worm. Still . . . nothing! It was clear he wasn’t going to crack this egg.

His love turned to hate and he thought of forcing the issue. But cooler heads prevailed. Long before he left the nest, his mother taught him the proper respect for women. He learned that unless someone actually said “yes” the answer is “no,” so he backed off.

Oh, she was putting herself out there. But it wasn’t for him. She was a bird with her sights on a bigger prey. She was a gold-digger after a high strutting, loud rooster. Yes, she was a cock tease!

That’s the Stuph – the way I see it.

Faux Stories From Real Pictures

Rugratus-Teenicus – Latin for modern adolescent. Here is an aerial picture of one of the species taken in their most common state in their natural habitat.

Photographed at high noon in broad daylight, this picture shows where the modern adolescent is often found, in a phase of unconsciousness, yet surrounded by the tools of their culture readily at hand. Missing from view in this picture, but currently under the slumbering carcass, is the Blackberry device, which continues to receive a torrid pace of text messages even while the creature appears to be in a state of suspended animation.

Their attraction to plush surroundings is a natural instinct as it supplies not only comfort, but can also withstand a high absorption quotient of drool.

Waking one of these creatures should only be attempted by professionals and never at close range. However, scientific experiments have shown that no amount of prodding, shouting, poking or hitting will awaken the creature. What works best is the distant, almost subtle sound of a refrigerator opening. Although the quiet click of a fridge is almost undetectable in most humans, the combination of the click and the soft distant glow of the fridge’s interior light will bring the Rugratus-Teenicus to an almost instantaneous stop within eight inches of the door in a motion most similar to that of the Roadrunner stopping at birdseed.

Caution: Do not open the fridge if it is not already well stocked. Not having the proper provisions at hand when the modern adolescent surfaces can only lead to a rampage of biblical proportions.

That’s The Stuph – the way I see it