#5: Photo Phollies – The Bitter Homicidal Rodent

Faux Stories From Real Pictures

“Hey, you . . . you, with the camera! What the hell are you looking at? Do I amuse you? Am I funny to you like a clown? Yeah, you probably heard a similar line from that runt of an actor Joe Pesci in that gangster flick. Well, he stole that line and the voice from me, but that’s a story for another day. Right now, I want to get back to YOU!

You just waltzed out here and snapped my picture, like some woodland paparazzi. Do you think I’m a cuddly creature like that flying cartoon squirrel who’s in an inappropriate relationship with a moose? By the way, I pitched the original story about a flying squirrel to the studios, without his big walking hat rack of a companion and they passed, but that’s a story for another day.

You don’t think I can hurt you? Typical human! You think just because I don’t have opposable thumbs I can’t take you on? Listen pal, me and others like me would have wiped the whole lot of you off the face of the earth if you hadn’t come up with door knobs. Well look around! Do you see any doors out here?

The problem with you people is you don’t know who to fear. You’re scared of birds. A tubby British guy even made a movie about them. That original screenplay was about squirrels. Some peon in a suit changed it, but that’s a story for another day.

Right now, you’re in my space. Look deep into my cold unblinking eyes. These are the eyes of someone who knows that if you take one step closer, I’LL KILL YOU!”

That’s the Stuph – the way I see it!

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